The Welcome Committee: How Choosing Your Role Changes How You Show Up
Sam Harris once told a story that’s lived in my head for years.
In his early twenties, single and socially awkward, he walked into a restaurant and greeted the hostess with a big smile and confident hello. She smiled back as she walked past him toward the door. She was, in fact, not the hostess. Mortified at this realization, he took his seat. Moments later, she reappeared at his table to slip him a note with her phone number.
He tells the story not as a dating win, but as a lesson in the flexibility of identity. The way we move through the world isn’t fixed; it shifts moment to moment depending on the context. In that brief mistake, he accessed a version of himself that was open, warm, and confident– simply because of the familiar role he thought he was in.
That story got under my skin, and I found myself turning over its practical implications. If the way we show up shifts this easily from one moment to the next, could I learn to shape it on purpose?
I started noticing how differently I showed up in different rooms. Sitting across from Google’s CFO, I could hold my own, think on my feet, and feel naturally at ease. But put me at a networking event with strangers and I’d instantly contract, finding myself uncomfortably squeamish when caught in a one-on-one conversation. Same person, same capabilities, completely different expression. And honestly, it didn’t feel logical!
Once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. My idea of who I was turned out to be far more rigid than my actual range.
“I do the inviting.”
After feeling particularly out of place at a recent conference, I decided that the next one would be different. Who would I be if I already belonged there?
Before leaving my hotel room that first morning, I paused in front of the mirror to give myself a pep talk. I met my own eye, broke into laughter at the sheer absurdity, and pointed to my reflection. Unscripted, I heard myself say: “I am the welcome committee. I do the inviting.”
I repeated it a few times. Something about that phrase made me stand a little taller. It flipped my attention outward, off of “how will I be perceived?” and toward “how can I make others feel at ease?” That small reorientation unlocked confidence I couldn’t manufacture by force. As I walked through the door, it was as if I was channeling another version of myself entirely. I showed up in full color, flashing my own big smiles and confident hellos, and by the time the conference began I was waving to a dozen new friends from my seat across the room.
The truth is, context is always shaping us– usually without our awareness. We tighten or open, shrink or expand, depending on the role we think we’re in. Once we notice this, we can choose the frame; we can author our way of being instead of defaulting to it.
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, I’m just not good at that kind of thing, it’s worth pausing to ask: What version of myself might be? Chances are, that version already exists. The practice is noticing what brings it online and learning to access it on purpose.
3 Ways to Show Up on Purpose
Notice your context.
Where do you automatically contract or expand? Pay attention to the rooms, roles, or people that bring out different versions of you. Awareness is the first lever of choice.Borrow confidence from another domain.
Before a daunting conversation or situation, remember a time you felt deeply competent at work, in sport, in parenting, socially, etc. Borrow that embodied state for a moment. Who have you already been elsewhere that you could bring here?Choose your role.
Instead of asking “Who am I in this situation?” ask “Who do I want to be?” What posture, story, or role would serve best right now? You don’t have to fake it– you just have to choose it.
The way we move through the world is more flexible than we think. Once you see that, every interaction becomes an opportunity for authorship. You get to decide how you want to show up… and practice doing it on purpose.
